


FЯEE KATZ

by InterNutter



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Animal Cruelty/Negligence, Arbor Ardour, Fuck Susan, Gen, Gross Birth Stuff, Gross Mishandling of Food, The rest of this fic is fluff and cuddles I promise, Vomiting, Wilful Ignorance, minor injury
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-02
Updated: 2018-11-11
Packaged: 2019-08-16 16:46:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 13,694
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16499075
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/InterNutter/pseuds/InterNutter
Summary: We know Taako and Kravitz have cats. We know Taako hates Susan. This fic is merely my thoughts on how that all happened.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: The Adventure Zone in general and the Balance Arc in particular belong to the marvellous McElroys. I just endlessly play with their toys.
> 
> AN: Spay and neuter your pets, ffs!

Taako had been minding his own business, that beautiful spring morning. He’d been walking his beautiful magic boy to the wrong school (in Taako’s not-so-humble opinion) and discussing the relative pros and cons of crullers versus danishes as eat-whilst-walking breakfast fare. Up until that particular moment, it had been a beautiful day.

Until he passively perceived something that made him want to rage.

He saw… all of humanman cruelty and negligence, all in one place, all at once.

He saw seven kittens.

They weren’t even an entire day old, and one of them had most of its amniotic sac still stuck to it and a complete placenta trailing from its belly by a dried and shrivelled umbilicus.

They were in a cardboard box that someone had hastily written on one flap. A cardboard box tucked into the corner of an alley where passersby were less likely to even look. The flap bore the writing of the illiterate and plausibly said,  _ Free cats. _ All in block letters. The R and the S were backwards.

He saw seven kittens.

Taako wasn’t aware he was growling until he heard Ango’s fearful voice say, “Sir? Did I say something wrong?”

He startled back to himself. “Sorry, little man. I wasn’t angry in your direction, I promise.” He crossed the street and picked up the box wholesale. “We need to find a vet. Pronto.”

“Oh my gosh!” Angus peered over the edge of the cardboard. His face twisting up in a mixture of horror, empathy, and sorrow. “Who would  _ do _ something like that, sir?”

Taako deliberately kept his face blank, lest he upset his boy. “People who don’t have long to live if  _ I _ have anything to say about it.”

Angus was also looking grim, but he was leading Taako along by his elbow. “People like that shouldn’t own pets, I agree, sir. But killing them for it is also wrong. And against the law.”

“So I should get rich enough and then pay for an assassin?”

_ “Sir…” _

“All right. All right. No killing them, even though they’re clearly assholes.”

Fortunately for all, especially the kittens, the vet was nearby. And open. Angus opened the door for them and rushed to the admin desk. “Someone dumped a boxload of kittens in an alleyway off of Shepherd Way.”

“Between the bakery and the barber?” said the assistant.

Taako’s eyes narrowed. “Would this happen to be a regular thing?”

Sigh. “Unfortunately, yes. We’ve tried to find out who’s doing it, but…”

“Well, the world’s best detective is on the case now, right Agnes?”

He saluted. “Yes, sir! Angus McDonald and the Felonious Feline Forsaker is underway.”

The assistant looked in the box. “Oh gods, they’re even newer than normal… I’m sorry, but we… we put down any abandoned kittens this young. We just don’t have the resources to…”

Taako took a deep, centering breath. “Listen. I need these little creatures to make it to the point where they can be adopted. What needs to happen?”

* * *

 

It was later. Expensive shit had happened. Taako was now the proud owner of a magical heating pad, a secure bed for the kittens, a super-sized cat carrier, because they were going to get bigger, a large container of formula, an array of tiny bottles, a steriliser for the same, a bottle warmer for the same, a special harness so he could carry them close to him and keep them warm, and a fuckload of detailed instructions on how to care for and keep newborn kittens without a mom.

Oh, and seven helpless, mewling, fluffy kittens.

The vet had been kind enough to help Taako with cleaning them and feeding them the first time, and how to wrap them up in little towelling burritos -purritos- so that he would have an easier time of feeding them all at once.

Now he just had a handful of months’ worth of feeding them on the hour and carefully sponging their butts to look forward to. And litter-training, too.

The heating pad, once installed and combined with the bed, did to keep them cozy while he futzed about with the bottles, formula instructions, and steriliser.

The rig was supposed to mimic a momma cat and be as close to nature as the hands of engineers could get. The kittens seemed to like it. Well. They weren’t complaining. Well. They weren’t complaining more than newborn kittens were wont to complain about everything.

“I know,” he cooed softly as he groomed them according to instructions. “This is the worst thing to happen to you in your entire life. You deserve all the comfort and all the love and all the chances…” he sighed. “Looks like I’m your mom, now. Here’s hoping I don’t donk it up.”

The air nearby made a tearing sound as Kravitz rejoined reality. “Babe, I just got the weirdest call from Angus’ school… They said you bailed out on your usual morning teacher interview?” Or, as they preferred to call it, the daily harangue-athon.

“Yeah, babe, I had to. Came down with a bad case of impromptu motherhood.”

Kravitz's  _ what the fuck _ face was worth millions. He toured around the intervening furniture and spotted Taako's seven tiny charges. “Aaaawww…”

“Some asshole left them in a box on the street,” he said. “They're mine now. Well at least until they're strong enough to get adopted.”

Kravitz helped hold the feeding apparatus. Smiling down at so many fragile and new lives. “I like cats,” he said. “You know I'm going to help you however I can.”

“Fabulous,” Taako grinned. “Cause after the feeding,  _ we _ are going to wipe their little asses with a warm, moist terrycloth so they can poop.”

Kravitz never stopped smiling. “Can't be worse than human babies…”


	2. Chapter 2

Angus had to admit that this case had the most scant amount of evidence.

One: a common cardboard box with a bad attempt at writing on it.

Two: the fact that the nearest vet saw this happen regularly.

Angus dusted the box for fingerprints and found Taako's on the bottom where he had lifted it. A set of small handprints on two corners. A set of unknown adult fingerprints on the flaps where someone might grasp in order to open it.

And a logo.

Skitterscooch Cat Litter. Apparently it boasted that it was good for an entire month. A few innocent enquiries at various stores resulted in his learning that no respectable cat owner went near the stuff. It was supposedly made out of recycled Fantasy Odor Eaters mixed with baking soda and could cause burns on kitty toe beans. Not only that, but leaving litter for an entire month was the worst word in hygiene.

The owners of the mother cat were negligent, ignorant, and either cheap, lazy, or incapable of caring.

Further enquiries amongst others who had adopted previous litters of abandoned kittens revealed a pattern. Always abandoned before they should be away from their mother. Always left in an empty cardboard box. Five out of seven were Skitterscooch Cat Litter boxes. One couldn’t recall, and the remaining outlier was a box of smaller juice boxes.

Angus recognised the brand. The cheapest, nastiest juice boxes in Faerun. Made from reconstituted juice watered down so far that it barely tasted of anything but the molasses they stirred into the vats as a cheap substitute for sugar.

The culprit or culprits may be in a low-economy situation. Angus re-assessed. A low-income household may have all the adults working their butts off to provide, and wouldn’t have the time to properly care for a pet they acquired in richer times. In such a situation, kitty litter that claimed to be good for a month would have allure.

They certainly couldn’t afford to spay a cat, or may lack the time window to get it done.

Which left the children of the house.

According to the prints, there were small ones in the house. They may be afraid of leaving the kittens for the adults to discover. They may not want them killed in more traditional ways. Therefore, according to that logic, leaving them for strangers to adopt was a sound strategy. They doubtless knew that they couldn’t afford to look after a bunch of kittens.

Angus had to find the household in question.

A child would not have access to easy transport, especially a child in a low-income household. Therefore, they were likely walking with their burden from their home and back again. Which gave Angus a search radius of two to three miles. After some work with a map, he had three neighbourhoods that had fallen or were in the process of falling from grace. The rebuilding after the Hunger Wars hadn’t benefited everyone and some industries were thankfully falling by the wayside. Like intelligent creature trafficking.

Those neighbourhoods were angry and vehement in their fantasy racism. Angus only surveyed those areas rather quickly, doing whatever he could to blend in and seem normal.

It was in the neighbourhoods that had always been a little down that he found it. Henbeak Street. The kind of neighbourhood where the meek waited for meeker folk to inherit the earth. The people who used cheap paint because they were too proud for whitewash. The people who worked all their waking hours and kept their heads down and were fiercely independent. The kind of houses that were full of five families or more and everything was meticulously clean because that’s how one avoided notice.

But Angus had rolled a nat twenty on his Perception score.

The children playing in the threadbare yard were overseen by an elderly matriarch who was perpetually working with her hands. Knitting, sewing, darning, or crochet, there was always something in her gnarled hands and it seemingly always involved a needle or, in the case of crochet, a hook. Some older kids, all girls barely into their teens, were sitting or standing nearby and learning by osmosis while they helped. There was a fluffy cat roaming from perch to perch and yowling. Some of the little ones were trying to quiet her by paying close attention to her, but she was having none of it.

“Excuse me,” he said, knowing full well that he was dressed like a fancy lad in the wrong kind of neighbourhood. “I seem to have lost my bearings. Can you point me in the direction of Short Street?”

And while he had their attention on that, he slipped five silver coins into their letterbox. They were too proud to take it from his hand, but they were not too proud to find a decent amount of money when they least expected it. The largesse would never last long. It never did. But five silver was enough to be a blessing without becoming a curse. Five silver was just enough to slip below the radar of the gossip mongers of Henbeak Street.

“Your cat’s very loud. Is she okay?”

“Missin’ ‘er kittens,” said the grandmother from the porch. “Can’t afford t’ keep ‘em. Gots to get rid of ‘em.”

One of the babies was playing in a box marked with the Skitterschooch logo.

Some of the smaller kids looked very, very guilty.

Angus had his suspects.

Now the mystery to solve was what to do about them.

* * *

 

The good news was that Elves didn’t need sleep. They could meditate deeply for half the time and get just as much rest as any other being. The bad news was that, owing to a long series of unfortunate events known as Taako’s entire life, he was psychologically unable to meditate for more than an hour. Which became good news again because he could rouse from his torpor just in time to prep things for the next round of feeding the purritos.

The best news was that Kravitz didn’t need sleep at all, and could take care of the rest of everything.

Because even with meditation, looking after seven small and needy creatures was  _ exhausting. _

Taako was getting a rhythm to it. Swipe their butts and bathe them, then wrap them up one by one. All the time, purring and cooing for them as they complained.

Kravitz, having already mixed the formula, had it warming while Taako processed kittens. By the time the last one was wrapped and ready, all they had to do was load the bottle rig and feed them.

“It’s gonna be a shame to give them away,” said Taako. “Six weeks when their eyes open, another week or so to be sure they’re litter trained…”

Kravitz, watching the way Taako petted them as they ate, already knew that these cats were staying. “It is going to be a shame,” he agreed.  _ Your shame when you finally admit you love them all. _ “Maybe we could keep one. Or two, so they don’t get lonely.”  _ Or all seven. We know it’s going to happen. _

“Maybe,” Taako allowed.

Kravitz lay down with Taako on the Fantasy Bean Bag and joined him in stroking tiny kitten heads. Watching his husband’s face as he watched the kittens nurse.

“What?” said Taako.

“You’re cute when you care,” he smiled.

Taako smiled. “You think I’m cute all the time.”

Kravitz laughed. “That’s a base and blatant truth.”

Someone opened the door. “Si-irs, I’m home.”

“Over on the big fantasy bean bag, pumpkin. How’d the investigation go?”

Angus, having hung up his satchel of holding and his fancy lad hat, flopped into a different bean bag and blew an enormous raspberry.

“That great, huh?”

“It’s been a wonderful day for the investigative spirit,” sighed Angus.

“No leads?” worried Kravitz.

“Worse. I found them.”

“And you didn’t call in the law or tear ‘em a new one because…?” prompted Taako.

Angus was splayed out on the bean bag, defeated. “They’re Henbeak Street People. They have enough to worry about and I don’t even know how to help solve the problem.”

Kravitz looked to Taako, who looked like he knew the type.

“I was always too poor to be that kind’a person,” he said. “Too poor and then too rich. I never thought I had airs because I could have a  _ wardrobe _ that didn’t count the uniforms for my four jobs. They’re people who trap themselves, babe. They think they deserve where they’re at and snipe at each other for the least little slip or the least little step up.”

“Too poor for paint and too proud to whitewash,” added Angus.

“Ah,” said Kravitz. At some thousands of years old, he had a different set of evaluations. “Them. Yes. Too poor for a pig, but too proud for chickens.”

The purritos were finished with their bottles. Taako unwrapped them and carefully bathed them again before setting them on the warming pad to sleep and grow. “They can only afford one cat,” he said, voice at soothing-the-babies level. “They can’t afford to have her spayed. It’s the kids of the house who leave the kittens to be adopted, right?”

“Yeah.”

“They never take hand-outs, they don’t ask anyone for anything, they’re doing okay, and they never steal…” Taako mused. “I have the coin. I think I can arrange something.”


	3. Chapter 3

It wasn’t free, because Henbeak Street People never took hand-outs, but it  _ was _ a significant discount, and made prospective pet neutering just barely affordable. The flyers went out to all the poorest neighbourhoods. The downtrodden and the ones who trod themselves down to save others the bother. And they included the words,  _ Never have to fret about unwanted puppies or kittens again! _

Taako picked up the other half of the bill, across several vet clinics. He even arranged for extra surgeons so there was the potential for round-the-clock service, and for the surgeons to get some fucking rest.

It was a tour de force for three months, but one batch of vets confirmed that the mother cat in Henbeak Street would no longer be the unwitting source of boxes full of free cats.

And so would a lot of other neighbourhoods, too.

Somehow, the press got hold of it and a paparazzo picture of Taako holding a bunch of kittens in his arms, and did an entire front page piece about it. And they used the typical newsie brevity and wit to come up with a headline.

_ BIRD SAVES CATS! _

They had somehow filled an entire page with a puff piece about how Taako from TV was inspired by finding an abandoned litter of kittens to sponsor the spaying and neutering of every household pet in the low-income districts of Neverwinter. Others, desperate for a similar kind of fame, were starting a fund to help poor families, elsewhere, to do the same thing.

Taako was not impressed. He hadn’t done this for fame or notoriety. He’d done this to stop a bunch of kittens from dying a horrible death. He was tempted to bring out the lawyers, but that was never a good look.

And now his Stone of Farspeech was blowing up with people wanting interviews. He had enough on his plate with kittens to look after and his school to administrate by remote and Ango to look after and Krav… Krav was so patient, but he deserved some Taako time, too.

“Listen. I’m giving you the same statement I’m giving literally everyone else,” he singsonged. “I didn’t do this for props or kudos, I did this because kittens don’t deserve to be abandoned. Same with kids, really.” He fumbled with Stone, bottles, and formula with Krav helping bathe and wrap the purritos. “Not one living creature on this world or in this planar system deserves to be left alone with nobody and nothing. That’s why I set up the thing. And I did it that way because there’s some folk out there who won’t accept anything for free. I had to make sure there was the most benefit for the most people and the most pets. That’s it. Good day to you.”

Bottles ready, he put the Stone down and almost immediately, it started chiming again.

“Oh, dry  _ up!” _ he yelled at it.

“I’ve got it, Dove.” Krav rose from kitten-wrapping to answer the stone. “You look after the babies.”

Taako fielded him for a too-brief hug and kiss. “Thanks, babe.”

“Anytime, babe.” He picked up the Stone and said, “Hello. You’ve reached the Stone of Taako, you know, from TV. If you’re seeking a statement in regards to kittens--” He grinned. “They hung up.”

The respite didn’t last long. The Stone started chiming again. Krav repeated the act five times. And only after that did Taako’s Stone stay blessedly silent.

“We need to talk to Miller Labs,” said Taako. “Babe, you just invented the Answer-Stone.”

“Snappy name,” Krav smiled, taking the Stone with him as he walked the short trip back to Taako’s side. Just in case it rang again. “How would you do it.”

“Slight alteration to the extant spell. If nobody responds to the Stone in like… thirty seconds, it plays a set message back to the caller. Then it records a message from the caller if they don’t hang up. I could probably work out most of the arcane construction if I just had like, twenty minutes free.”

“I could take over, here,” offered Krav. “They’re only having a drink.”

“Oh, no, babe. They kick up a stink without their ‘mom’ nearby. Thanks all the same.”

“I want to help,” he said. “How about… I take dictation? That way, you can feed the babies and get this solved at the same time.”

This was why Taako loved that man. As well as being gods-damned handsome and totally adorkable and so fucking helpful and… This was not the time for a good make-out sesh, though Taako felt he deserved one. Not so close to helpless little purritos that needed him, and especially needed him to maintain focus.

He sighed, “I love you…”

Krav’s smile was the best treasure in the world. “Love you, too, babe.”

Make-out sesh scheduled for five seconds after he put his babies back to bed. Guaranteed. In the meantime, he had to coach Krav in the basic elements of his homeworld arcane math notifications whilst also looking after his babies.

Fuck.

They were.

They were his babies. And like fuck was he going to give them up.

Shit.

Now all he had to do was brave himself up to admit it to the love of his life. Who probably already knew, but… it was the principal of the thing. Taako was a man of his word unless he was lying to shill someone. Or lying to himself. Or attempting to pull his “Simple Idiot Wizard” schtick. Or haggling with the vendors in the markets.

Okay, okay. So he wasn’t the most honest being in the multiverse. But he still didn’t like being dishonest with Krav.

That was the thumb on his scales. When he was done with the latest bit of arcane math transformation, he said, “Babe? How many cats do you want to keep?”

Krav got that darling little smirk he got when he knew exactly what was up. “I’m not sure. How many do  _ you _ want to keep?”

Fuuuuuck…

He could do this. He could say it. Like ripping off a fantasy band-aid. “Um.” One. Two. Three. Rip.”All seven?”

That darling smirk turned into an even more darling smile and made Taako want to jump his bones right then and there. “I owe Angus ten gold,” he laughed. “Of course we can keep them all. How much troub--”

Taako cut him off with a desperate hand over his mouth. “Babe? Darling? Love? Sweetheart? Don’t. Tempt. Fate. M’kay? Asking questions like that can only lead to more trouble than you could ever want.”

His eyes had that special sparkle that said,  _ You’re being ridiculous and I love it and I wouldn’t stop it for the world, so okay. _ He nodded.

Taako let his mouth go.

“I guess we should get Magnus in to make some adjustments, hm? If we’re going to keep seven cats, they’re going to want all sorts of places to climb and play around in.” He helped with the post-feeding kitten bathing. All the time wearing that goopy smile that Taako adored.

“Holes in the walls for the kitty walkways,” said Taako dreamily. “Lots of that tough carpet so they don't rip the furniture to shreds. No access to our wardrobe…”

“Aw, that was where I was going to put the litter tray,” Krav teased.


	4. Chapter 4

Susan Hakniid didn’t read the papers. She got all the news she ever needed out of the tabloids and the PTA gossip mill. She thought her little Jason could do no wrong and was exactly the type of person who thought that moving in next to an educator was just the sort of thing she needed to do in order to gain Jason the attention he deserved.

Technically, she wasn’t wrong. Jason would, indeed, gain the attention he deserved.

Just not the sort of attention  _ Susan _ thought he deserved.

But that was some months in the future, yet.

For now, she was satisfied with gaining the educator’s attention. Assuming he ever saw daylight.

Susan was dimly aware that her neighbour ran a school, that he was married, and that there was a child in the home. So when she first saw Taako wearing a harness that kept his kittens close to his chest, she assumed that he was the lady of the house.

“Hiyeee,” she chirped, overdoing the chipper friendliness. “Haven’t seen you since we moved in. Everything okay in there?”

Taako’s reedy voice didn’t do much to dissuade Susan’s delusion. “Oh, just busy with the babies.” There was a tray full of dirt that Taako put down on the grass and then, kittens appeared out of what Susan had formerly believed was cleavage.

Susan recognised that particular pattern. “Back-alley cats,” she sneered. “You should sue whoever sold you those and then drown them.”

“Not gonna,” said Taako. He gently rearranged kittens onto the tray. As they attempted to journey out of it, he popped them back in.

Susan remembered that she should be being nice. “Is your husband the one who runs the school? I’d really like him to meet my darling Jason.”

“It’s me,” said Taako. “Hi. I’m Taako -you know- from TV. Also from the Story and Song.”

Oh.  _ That _ Taako. Susan soldiered on. “Oh, you simply must meet my darling Jason. He’s so smart, he’s practically a genius.”

Behind her, Jason was investigating the nutritional value of something he found in the hole he had dug in the ground.

“Poison information bureau’s frequency is 555-347-891,” said Taako. “I think your genius boy just ate a rat bait.”

Susan whirled. “JASON!  _ WHAT _ did I tell you about putting things in your mouth?” He hadn’t swallowed it, thank the gods, and a quick call to Poison Information gave her a quick remedy that would see Jason firmly entrenched in the privy for half an hour.

Plenty of time to sing Jason’s praises to someone who ran a school.

Taako was still playing with the kittens. Placing them back into the tray every time one of them made a break for it.

“Oral investigation,” Susan laughed as if nothing had happened. “They find out things by feel and the mouth has the most nerve endings. It’s perfectly natural.”

“Before age three,” muttered Taako.

“Pardon?”

“How old is your kid? Seven? Five?”

“Eight,” said Susan proudly. “He’s my little wonder-kind.”

“Vunderkind,” corrected Taako. “Same kind of in as in ‘in the box’. Not to rhyme with rind.”

“I beg your pardon?” said Susan.

“It’s Zemnian. You were saying it how it’s spelled. That’s always the wrong approach with Zemnian.” Kitten, kitten, pet, kitten. “I get it. There’s still plenty of words I’ve only read.”

Susan felt compelled to correct him. “Oh, I know how  _ foreigners _ say it. I’m saying it the proper way.”

“Mm-hm,” said Taako. He kept putting kittens back onto the dirt in the tray. “And the Zemnians don’t have any say in how to pronounce their own words because…?”

“Well, they’re  _ foreigners, _ of course. It’s our word, now. We should get a say in how it’s pronounced. It’s the natural way of things.”

“Hm,” said Taako, and Susan finally rolled a high enough perception check to realise that she was being judged. “Didn’t catch your name, neighbour.”

“Oh, I’m sorry,” said Susan. “I’m Susan. You’ll have plenty of time to know me once my son is in your school. We’re going to be best friends.”

* * *

 

“I hate her, I hate her, I hate her!” The whisk clattered against the bowl. Blurring into a strange shape as it flew in Taako’s hands. “I hate her, I hate her little snot-nosed kid, I hate her garden, I hate having to fucking cook for her, I hate that this entire thing has to be gluten-free…”

Lup, busy sauteeing the onions, said, “Tell me how you really feel.”

“The bitch wanted me to kill my cats, Lup.”

Her eyes went wide. “And you’re making a meringue because…?”

“It’s an invitation. You always accept an invitation. Even if it’s so you have a fucking good excuse to fuck up their entire house.”

Lup grinned. “So that’s why you invited the whole family. Even Luce.”

“Oh especially Luce. I’m planning a noisy argument at around four.”

Ah. So this was a  _ party ruining _ party. Got it. “So this kid…”

“Eight years old, still puts weird shit in his mouth--”

“Ko,  _ Magnus _ still puts weird shit in his mouth.”

“Yeh, but he does it for imagined stat bonuses And the goofs. This kid does it because he thinks it might be candy.”

Now she was really getting it. “And  _ that’s _ why you have me doing the insanity pepper liqueur chocolates…”

“Yup,” Taako grinned. “With explicit instructions to dear darling little Jason not to take any because they’re for the grownups.”

“Evil,” Lup evaluated. “I love it.”

“Merle’s bringing Mookie, but Mavis is staying at home with her mom. Magnus is bringing his  _ newest _ dogs, Krav and Ango are bringing their instruments.”

Hurdy-gurdy and violin. Oooh, this was going to be interesting. “Lemme snatch my viola from the Astral Plane, real quick?”

“Sure, sure, and ghost in there to see if they have a piano so Barold can show them up, too.”

Oh yes. This was going to be such fun.

Taako kept an eye on everything during the few minutes she was gone, but Lup had had a horrifying thought to share upon her return. “Who’s looking after the kittens while all this mayhem is happening?”

“I already thought of that and Ren volunteered. I owe her the best chocolates for this.”

“And before you ask, dear brother, they  _ do _ have a piano.”

If he weren’t already claimed as a future avatar of Istus, Taako’s grin could have easily sent him to the Eternal Stockade.  _ “Excellent,” _ he said.

“What’s Dav doing?”

“Oh, Cap’n’port’s under orders to get rascally drunk and do his party trick.”

“Reciting the Unexpurgated Exploits of Garl Glittergold? Verbatim? Last time, we had to drag him out of the bar and he wouldn’t quit even when we cast slee-- Oooohhhh…”

“Yup. It’s the housewarming party she’s never gonna fucking forget.”


	5. Chapter 5

The faintest praise one could heap on the Seven Birds - plus families - was that their arrival was impeccable. Everyone was neat as a pin. Perfectly turned out. Every outfit fit for the catwalk. This was including Barold’s denim abomination of a robe, which held a flame pattern to it and, in deference to Taako’s need to sparkle, was also bedazzled.

Millions of people would have looked ridiculous in that get-up. Barry J. Bluejeans managed to pull it off with aplomb.

The trick was to carry oneself as if one simply didn’t give a single shit for anyone else’s opinion.

Even Captain Davenport, who had let his hair grow out into the more traditional Gnomish gravity-defying mop, managed to turn up looking neat and splendid in his Dress Uniform.

Susan goggled at living legends on her doorstep and finally clued in to who Taako actually was. Then again, she couldn’t tell him and his sister apart.

They were wearing identical dresses with identical flair. They’d taken pains to do so, but a keen observer could tell them apart by their eyes, and the fact that they had different genders. That, and the silver bracer of Lup’s arm was a clever fake.

Unfortunately for Susan, her passive perception was rather low.

This was why she repeatedly missed her darling Jason’s little… “party trick”.

Whilst Susan was greeting her guests and taking any coats or cloaks, Jason openly picked up a salami twig from one of the many finger food trays scattered around the place and, looking the guests in the eye, jammed it as far up one nostril as it could go. He then extracted it, licked off any goo, and put the salami twig back on the tray of finger foods.

This would be the last day he would try that trick, because Angus McDonald had an Orb of Memories, which he then showed off to Susan.

“Oh my…  _ Jason… _ Did you do this all over the house?”

Jason shrugged. “Prolly. I dunno.”

“Now I can’t serve anyone any salami twigs!”

Jason smirked like that was the entire point.

“They have to all go into the trash,” Susan continued. “This is such a waste!”

The smirk dropped. “No, but…  _ I _ could eat them, mom.”

“Absolutely not. Excuse me.” Susan whisked around to every finger food tray in the house, scooping up salami sticks as she went. “Food hygiene is so important,  _ Jason... _ I keep telling you. Bacteria breed and get stronger when they’re left alone. Even when they come from you, they can’t go back into you. No  _ wonder _ you’ve been too sick for school, lately.”

“Maybe he doesn’t want to go to school, ma’am,” said Angus, busy being a Good Little Boy and holding the trash bag for Susan as he followed her around. “If he’s not in the mood for an education, perhaps a career track might be advisable. Why, I was solving crimes on a semi-professional level at age five, ma’am.”

“Practical experience  _ is _ very important for learning life’s lessons,” added Merle.

“It’s why I insist on duelling at my school,” said Taako. “Very important lessons that you just can’t teach, right there. Quick thinking, inventiveness, creative solutions…”

“How to ration your spell slots,” added Lup.

“And first aid,” said Magnus, who was covered in assorted scar tissue from assorted misadventures.

If she wasn’t already, Susan would be looking pale.

“Is that an open bar?” said Davenport.

“Oh, no. My husband Kyle is bartender today,” breezed Susan, glad of the topic change. “He’ll be there in a few minutes.”

“I made chocolates,” Lup chirped, apropos of nothing. She displayed the platter so that Jason could see it, then added in a stage whisper, “They’ve got a little kick to them, so they’re only for the grownups.”

Which made them a prize that must be attained in dear little Jason’s greedy eyes. Already denied all the salami twigs he could gorge on, he was now determined to get his hands on a treat that he really shouldn’t be allowed to have.

“Thank you,” said Susan, once again failing her insight check. “Jason, you’re not allowed to have these, okay, sweetums?”

“Yes, mom,” Jason lied. “I won’t touch them.”

“Mine’s a little more on the mundane side,” said Taako. “Gros Limace kedgeree a la maison. No gluten, just organic goodness.”

Susan was lost at the Fantasy French. The casserole was certainly colourful, and Susan could spot about five things in there that she classed as ‘exotic’.

Kravitz said, “I brought some wine for the party,” he gestured with two bottles. “Where can they chill?”

Susan missed that obvious portent of doom. “Kyle would know. KY-ul! Kyle? Where’s the chiller box?”

A distant voice said, “By the barbecue!”

“Are we having a cook-out?” said Lup, who had swapped positions with Taako. “I fucking love cook-outs.”

“Let’s have a cook-out cook-off,” suggested Taako. The twins vanished into the party.

Susan was now facing down a literal harbinger of death and just now noticing the silver skull motif to his jewelry choices. “And you are…?”

“Kravitz,” he bowed and kissed her hand. “Taako’s husband.”

Lucretia said, “You may call me Madam Director,” as she cut Susan dead on her way in. She, too, had a soft spot for cats of all kinds. Though she and Taako were not on the best of terms, she had still heard all about how hideous Susan was, thanks to the Starblaster Gossip Mill. She had a notebook much like the hundreds that had gone into Starblaster’s mission. Her hand was already documenting, and Susan gained the feeling that she was being evaluated.

Susan, self-centred as a gyroscope, came to the conclusion that this was her chance to impress on the most famous and capable people in the multiverse with just how special her darling little boy was.

She didn’t know it at the time, but she had just set herself and her kid up to fail, and fail spectacularly, publically, and irrevocably.

“What does a hero of the multiverse have to do to get a drink around here?” said Captain Davenport.

“Lovely garden,” said Merle. “Mind if I talk to your plants?”

It only took twenty minutes for everything to go to complete shit.

Susan began by getting her darling little Jason to sing his special song. The one he swore he composed himself. Three of the Birds were singing along by the second line. And  _ they _ knew words that Jason wasn’t allowed to repeat.

“Takes me back to Legato,” said Lucretia, one of the singers. She hadn’t stopped taking notes. “It’s interesting that your son could remember all of that from one exposure to a Voidfish flash.” Then she interviewed Jason about it. He instantly answered all of her questions with, “I dunno.”

“He’s nervous,” said Susan. “Maybe when he’s feeling a little more comfortable…” She urged Jason towards the piano. “Play some atmosphere music, darling.” A desperate rictus of a smile. “He’s great at improvisation.”

Jason was essentially drumming his fingers along random keys. Pretending he knew what he was doing.

At this point, Angus brought out his violin and, after a couple of random key-smashes from Jason, provided a melody that actually made him sound sort of okay.

“Mind if I join in?” said Kravitz. His hurdy-gurdy provided a rhythmic counterpoint.

And then Barry asked to play the bass notes.

Just as dear little Jason was going to complain that they “weren’t sharing properly”, Lup almost incinerated the barbecue.

The fountain of flames caused screaming amongst all the guests, though one screamed, “Tone it down, Lup!”

Susan had to rush outside with the fire extinguisher. Outside, where Merle was busy seducing some topiary. Outside, where one of The Twins was entertaining some peripheral children with a beautiful rainbow binicorn. Outside, where Magnus was making his enormous dogs do tricks for anyone who wasn’t riding or petting Garyl.

And outside, where the other twin was cackling at the flames and announcing,  _ “That’s _ got that fucker lit!”

Now the flames were at a normal size, Susan was left standing there with the extinguisher and feeling superfluous to the scene.

_ And at that moment, dear darling Jason sneaked one of Lup’s special grown-ups-only chocolates. _

It took him a few moments to realise that the mouthful of snatched chocolate was actually a mouthful of intensely burning pain. Then he made the mistake of swallowing his ill-advised treat.

“MOMMY! IT BURNS, MOMMY!”

“Nothing to see here, let the mom handle it,” soothed Kravitz. And then, to his friends in their impromptu orchestra, “Play something loud.”

Lup, already ready to blow some shit up, said, “Oh I know  _ lots _ of loud things.”

It may not have been the first time that the 1812 Overture was played with the help of evocation magic, but it certainly was the most memorable.

Outside, Taako was putting on a show for Kyle, who was manning the nearby bar and not counting the very strong drinks he handed out, nor who he handed them out to. Otherwise, he would have noticed that he was handing an amazing variety of alcohols to a very small creature who seemed to have an infinite capacity for booze.

Several other males clustered around the impromptu revival of  _ Sizzle it Up! With Taako. _

“That’s why you use the rule of thumb. You got your little pad of muscle just under your thumb? Relaxed, it’s like raw meat feels. Press it to your index, that’s rare. Middle finger is medium,” he demonstrated as he lectured. “Third is well done, and your pinkie is burned. Never go past well-done. Frankly, you don’t want to go much past medium. Got that, Hampton?”

His name wasn’t Hampton, but he nodded anyway.

“You show the rest of the fellas. I should really help mom in there with poor little  _ Jason. _ Sounds like the little dickens got into some naughty food.”

Taako sauntered towards the bathroom where  _ Jason _ was wailing and complaining about his whole insides being on fire. He stopped by Kravitz on the way and murmured, “How drunk is our captain?”

“Two sheets to the wind,” murmured Kravitz.

“Excellent…”

In the bathroom, Susan was in the middle of attempting to quench the fires of capsaicin with a glass of ice water.

“Aw, pumpkin,” Taako cooed. “Did you have something you weren’t supposed to?”

“THE CHOCOLATE BURNS!” The kid wailed, pigged down the ice water, and then spat it back up again.

He wasn’t in a mood to listen, yet, so he got out his inter-planar storage and extracted a phial of Ice Bat Milk. “I got your remedy, right here. Guaranteed to put out those ouchies.”

“Oh thank the gods,” sighed Susan, and snatched it off him to present to  _ Jason. _ “Here, honey. Take this.”

“Now, you’re gonna want to take slow, little sips,” said Taako.

_ Jason _ sank it in one go. And had a second or three to feel better about his place in the universe.

“Er. Aim him at the toilet, there, hun,” he said. “That’ll make him throw up.”

She just got him moved around in time before all of his stomach contents came out at once.

“Now, there, junior,” cooed Taako. “You gotta remember that grownups tell you stuff for some good reasons. Can you think up some good reasons we might’a had now?”

“‘Cause you suck,”  _ Jason _ whined.

Susan took in those words, and confronted with Taako’s perfectly reasonable educational manner, said, “I do  _ not _ appreciate your  _ tone, _ young man.”

And  _ Jason, _ previously unaware that his actions had negative consequences, said, “You and  _ your _ tone can  _ bite me!” _

Susan was incensed. Taako, lurking behind her, grinned. So only  _ Jason _ could see it, he mouthed, “You’re dead, bucko.”

_ “Jason, _ you can not use that attitude in front of guests who could have a hand in  _ your _ future. I will not tolerate any further disrespect, young man.”

Outside the bathroom, outside the house, some of the other guests were kicking up some noise.

“Oh dear,” said Taako, who knew exactly what was going on. His Captain was likely just the right amount of drunk right now. “Whatever could  _ that _ be?”

Susan knew that Kyle was manning the bar and his friends were manning the barbecue, so she had to deal with things.

_ “Jason, _ honey, it’s very important that you be nice to Mr Taako, okay? He  _ runs _ a  _ school. _ You can have a good future if you just make some good decisions, okay?”

_ Jason, _ who was only just recently discovering what consequences were, pouted. “I’m sick,” he whined.

“Do your best, sweetie, I’m proud of you.” She kissed his forehead before rushing out.

Where the Captain of the Starblaster was dancing on the piano and reciting something not rated for children. And further outside, the garden was out of control. The rainbow binicorn was desperately singing and dancing as assorted parents shielded their children’s eyes from what Merle was doing with the garden and dragging their progeny away.

One of the kids, high on sugar, was running between other kids and yelling, “MY NAME’S MOOKIE, YA WANNA WRASSLE?”

One of the angry mothers, a high-powered member of a high-powered society, snarled at Susan on her way out. “You call  _ this _ light family entertainment? And you’ve served your guests  _ cave slug. _ There is  _ no _ chance of your entry into the Horté Forté,  _ now. _ Your son is a brat and this so-called housewarming is an unmitigated disaster.”

She left in a minute and a huff.

_ “...’twas the mighty Aruminda, who finally went and winned her,” _ Davenport was reciting,  _ “And helped her tricky master in the hunt…” _

Madame Director of the Bureau of Benevolence, Lucretia Clarke, and possibly the most powerful woman in the world was ignoring the antics of her shipmates and lecturing anyone still there on the importance of routine and gentle discipline on the raising of children and the proper attitude of mutual respect in the workplace.

Parents were hustling their children away from the Scene in the gardens. Parents were hustling their families away from the performance given by Captain Davenport. All of them were complaining about the misfortunes happening within the party.

The binicorn was sassy and had a mouth like a dumpster.

The member of the Horté Forté had told  _ everyone _ what gros limace was. Angus had shown some others what  _ Jason _ had done to the salami twigs. Thus prompting someone else’s little brat to announce that  _ she _ had seen  _ Jason _ licking some of the cookies. A third child said that she’d seen  _ Jason _ fail to wash his hands after being in the bathroom.

Susan couldn’t help herself. She said, “Madame Director, what do you do about people around you who insist on telling lies?”

“Yeah, Luce,” said Taako, emerging from inside. “Tell everyone about lying, stealing, sacks of shit.”

It was five minutes to four. The noisy argument had started early.


	6. Chapter 6

Ren opened the front door before the laughing reached it, and smiled. The twins’ matching dresses were wrecked. Everyone else’s clothing was askew, at the very least. There wasn’t one of them that had escaped the party without a bruise, or bleeding wound.

Director Lucretia was nursing a black eye, and her official robes of office were torn. She had a distinctive elven bite mark on one arm.

Yet, they were all smiling. They were all laughing.

Taako and Lucretia were holding each other up and cackling like they had heard the best joke in the world.

Magnus’ dogs were capering around the entire scene, frolicking because their family was happy, and not understanding a single fragment of what had been going on. All they knew was laughing good, food better, friends best.

Davenport was under one of Magnus’ arms. Merle’s hand was clamped tight over Davenport’s mouth. Judging by the rhythm of the muffled voice, he was  _ still _ reciting the Unexpurgated Exploits of Garl Glittergold.

“How are my babies, Ren?”

“I just got them back to sleep,” Ren said, mocking a complaining voice. “And you come back late, rowdy drunk, making a huge noise…” She couldn’t do it with a straight face. Ren cracked up laughing at her own goof. “Why did it take you so long to ruin the party?”

“Extra innings while ‘dear little  _ Jason’ _ threw a tantrum,” said Kravitz. “We critiqued his style until  _ Susan _ threw a tantrum.”

Taako was grinning like he’d won the best prize of all the worlds of all of time. “She and her son managed to piss off absolutely all the important people she invited so she could try and big-note her snot-wipe of a kid.”

“Speaking of wiping snot,” said Angus. “I got the whole thing on some Orbs of Recall. Wanna help me transpose it all onto a Moving Scroll for everyone?”

“That would be just peachy,” said Ren.

Magnus busted out the minor healing potions while Merle actually used some slots on Healing Word. Taako and Lup brought out some better food for the inevitable after-party party. Kravitz brought out the good wine.

Lup cast Sleep on Davenport before he could get to the  _ really _ raunchy bits of that epic poem.

There was a conversational equivalent of shitposting and assorted goofs for the hour it took to edit together a moving scroll from the footage Angus had gathered.

Angus eventually wound up between Kravitz and Taako, who swapped hands between holding a large wine glass and resting gentle, familial affection upon their favourite boy detective. Lup monopolised half of Barry’s seat space and draped herself over him simply because she could. She had plans to keep this body for as long as possible.

Ren shared the fantasy bean bag with the slumbering Davenport and the sleeping box for the kittens. The kittens eventually noticed that their adopted mother had returned and clambered up to warm themselves on Taako’s body as only kittens could.

Only here and now were Magnus’ dogs well-behaved and quiet. Only here and now was Mookie happy to relax in the arms of his father. Only here and now were the assorted musicians of the group content to leave their instruments quiet.

They had done what they set out to do.

“Hey Luce,” said Taako once the laughter finally ebbed and everyone was enjoying a companionable quiet. “Today was fun.”

Lucretia smiled. “It was. I had a lot of fun. Thank you for inviting me, Taako.”

“I’m still salty about what you did to me, but today was fun.”

Lucretia sipped her wine. “I understand completely. What I did was… It was an asshole move.”

Taako nodded. Took his turn at the wineglass.

Ren petted one of the kittens she had managed to pry away from Taako and breathed a quiet sigh of relief. She knew the story as well as anyone. Lucretia had once been like a sister to the entire crew. Repairing what the Voidfish had been used to rend asunder was not as easy as restoring memories.

Taako was keeping all of the kittens. She knew it from the extensive rearrangement of Taako’s house. It was turning into a kitty haven, with climbing structures and elevated walkways and hiding places for kittens who could barely see it all. Catnip mice awaited the first explorers.

When the kittens reached the stage of hunting their people’s feet, Ren was certain Taako would encourage them to inhabit the ever-growing kitty labyrinth slowly overtaking his home.

Ren gave it six months before the expanding kitty habitat began to impede on their shared lifestyle. Then it would be highly amusing to watch Taako go through mental gymnastics to justify his next choices.

Currently, he was ‘getting prepared’ for when the kittens were ‘going to get rambunctious’ and ‘making certain they were properly entertained.’ When in reality, he was the biggest, softest marshmallow in Faerun; a complete pushover and ready to give these inevitable cats the next best thing to heaven whilst they were still alive. Kravitz was just along for the ride and enjoying the view at this point.

Come to think of it, so was she.

Taako acted a tough game, pretending he never needed anyone or anything, but anyone who get to know him for a while learned that he had the softest heart when it came to those who were left with no-one and nothing. Angus, orphaned and working for his own keep, was proof enough of that.

Thirty or more years, and this house would be overflowing with waifs and strays if they didn’t watch out. Probably for the best, then, that he was starting a school. That way, he had somewhere to put them all.


	7. Chapter 7

Kravitz rolled over, not wanting to wake up. The bed was comfortable and warm and the raucous purring in his ear made him want to just laze there all day. Even the soft fluff of Taako’s hair on his face was not enough to stir him from his bed. Not even the scent of Taako cooking the world’s most delicious breakfast.

Wait.

Taako couldn’t translocate. So how could he hear purring and feel soft hair if…?

A rough, sandpaper-like tongue began running across his nose.

Kravitz peeked.

It was the scrambled-egg tortoiseshell he had started to think of as Weepo had decided to settle in near his head. She had been grooming herself before she decided to add him to her washing regime. The kitten noticed his open eye and said, “Meep?”

Kravitz moved just enough to give her a scritch on her ears. “You do an excellent Taako impersonation, Weepo.”

“Mreeeeeeee!” That was her ‘feed me’ meow.

Six other kittens, previously scattered around the bed, swarmed. Meeping and yowling and treadling at him with their tiny, sharp claws and finding all his vulnerable and tender parts.

“Why aren’t you bothering your momma?” he complained. Attempting to extract himself from his own tangle of covers whilst also avoiding harming any of the kittens, who all thought it was a great game to pounce on anything moving. This included his hair, hands, and temporary air bubbles caused by his movements.

They were adorable, of course they were. They were also annoying as hell.

Kravitz managed to free most of his torso and passed kittens down to the floor so he could wriggle free. Those he passed down immediately attempted to climb the covers again, but they were small and their dex scores were still too low.

That tactic would not last long. Once they were halfway grown, he couldn’t be faster than a bunch of cats determined to get in his face.

The kittens swarmed towards the door, where Taako managed to make his way through via a series of gliding steps that gently moved kittens out of his way. He was carrying a tray. “Babe,” he chided, “I was bringing you breakfast in bed…”

The chorus of anxious meowing raised up a notch.

“Sure you weren’t bringing _them_ a breakfast in _our_ bed?” Kravitz teased.

“Oh hush, all of you, you’ve been fed.”

One of them, a black and white tom, decided to counter that argument by attempting to _climb_ Taako and get to the good stuff.

“Ow! No… _no._ Down. Bad kitty. Ffft!”

Kravitz plucked kittens off of Taako’s clothes. “I think breakfast in bed is cancelled.” He put four of them in a cat gym near their bed, then collected the remaining three to join their fluffy, sharp-footed siblings. When he turned back to his love, Taako was looking appalled. “What?”

“Ba-abe…” Taako chided. “They’re still babies. They can’t get down from there…”

The tubby little black one clambered down and landed neatly on the floor.

“Babe?” said Kravitz. “Is there anywhere in our house that these kittens can’t theoretically access? Because I don’t think our food is safe any more.”

“That… that was a fluke…”

Weepo landed on the floor with a soft little _thwop_ noise.

“Okay, so two is a co-incidence.”

_Thwop, thwop, thwop, thwop-thwop._

“Uh oh,” said Taako. He grabbed hold of Kravitz with one arm and the food with the other and cast Blink.

There’s no sound in the Ethereal Plane, so their conversation had to be performed in sign language.

 _I told you they were getting bold,_ Kravitz said, in between frankly scrumptious mouthfuls.

Taako sighed and signed, _It’s all my fault for spoiling them. How the fuck am I supposed to train them not to follow their mom everywhere?_

_Is training cats even possible?_

Taako’s only response to that was a shrug. _We can’t keep doing this. We’re frightening them._

In defiance of Taako’s sentiments, some of the kittens clambered up to the nearest warm patch on the bed and settled down for grooming and naps.

Kravitz took another bite of waffles a la Taako and didn’t say a thing about how upset they were all looking. He could argue that half of Taako’s concerns weren’t that concerning, but… just loving Taako made them concerning. _We’ll find a way, Dove. There has to be books on this sort of thing._

Taako started to grin. He had, in Kravitz’s lovestruck opinion, the world’s best smile when he had a great idea. _I know a nerd or two who loves reading books._

* * *

 

“Excuse me, sir, but… You want me to what?”

“Help us train the cats,” said Taako. “Which word are you having trouble with, little man?”

“Not any of the words, sir,” said Angus. “Just the general concept. Cats are famous for doing whatever they want.”

Taako didn’t seem that perturbed. “So help us figure out a way to make ‘em not want to do a few things. Read some books on it or something. You’re good at that nerd shit.”

Kravitz chuckled and added, “Love, you were in the IPRE. You were also good at that nerd shit.”

“As an _arcanist,_ babe. I might have learned animal talk, but these little babies don’t speak it. Can’t convince ‘em yaknow? So… I need a really clever nerd. You’re the cleverest nerd I know.” Taako paused to strike a considering pose. “And I know a lot of clever nerds.”

“You _are_ a clever nerd,” Kravitz interjected.

Taako smiled, “Stoppit, babe, you’ll ruin my brand.” To Angus, he said, “How ‘bout it, kiddo? Detective your way into these kitty cats’ little fuzzy noggins.”

Kravitz, looking him in the eye, mouthed, “Humour him.”

Angus, looking _him_ in the eye, made the universal _What the fuck?_ gesture.

Taako glanced back at Kravitz and smirked in a way that communicated he knew exactly what was up. “Are you two plotting behind my back?”

Kravitz was a picture of innocence, definitely forged, and probably by kindergarteners using potato stamps. “Me? Plotting? What makes you think I’m plotting, Dove?”

“You’re a bad fucking liar, Krav.”

“In order for there to be a plot, sir,” said Angus, “I’d have to know what it is. For your information, sir, I haven’t the foggiest what’s going on.”

Taako rolled his eyes theatrically. “Some detective _you_ are.”

Oh, it was _on._ “Strictly working on your attitudes and body language, sir, I would hazard a guess that you and Mr Kravitz have a standing bet in regards to my abilities. This thing with your kittens--”

 _“Our_ kittens,” corrected Taako. “You’re part of the family. They’re part of the family. They’re _our_ kittens.”

“This thing with the kittens is some kind of test. You’ve always objected to me attending Lucas’ school.”

“The wrong school,” said Taako. “I got one of my own, sweetie. It’s better by miles. Automatically. Q.E.D.”

Angus wasn’t going to rise to that bait. They had already had that particular discussion about how Taako hadn’t actually demonstrated anything about two hundred times before. He cleared his throat meaningfully and said, “You want to prove that Lucas’ school is inferior by giving me a task you think I can’t complete. You’ll then swoop in and provide a solution that you already had ready since before this particular debacle began.”

The previous smug expression melted off of Taako’s face. “You know me entirely too well, little man.”

Angus grinned. “That’s why I made my bet with Kravitz, sir.”

Who was currently digging for his money pouch and readying to hand over some gold.

Taako was looking proud, now. “Skinning one of your old men. You take after the other one, f’r sure.”

Angus sighed. “Genetics doesn’t work like that, we discussed this…”

“Still taught you everything you know,” said Taako, ignoring the issue. “Could teach you more if you went to the _right_ school.”

Angus ignored that argument, too. “As it so happens, there is a way to discourage cats from doing certain things, sir. I wouldn’t call it ‘training’. It requires near constant vigilance because they will attempt to see what they can get away with.”

Taako blew a raspberry.

“Some say it also requires you to constantly have water pistols on hand, but those people are just training the cats not to do things when they're around.”

A giggle. “What?”

“Most domestic felines hate a sudden exposure to water, sir. You can discourage them from doing things you don’t want them to do with just a little spritz. It doesn’t hurt them, and they can lick it off without harm. The caveat is that you have to make it happen all the time.”

Taako, pouting all the way down, flopped into an empty chair. “Nuthin’ else, huh?”

“They also dislike sticky surfaces, sir. Encouraging and discouraging cats takes a lot of effort, sir. There is no easy way.”

Taako took a deep breath so he could make his extended, “Uuuuggghh…” last even longer than normal. An act only slightly ruined by Kravitz’s chuckling.

“I could read up on the topic if you really want, sir, but I suspect that our cats will want a reward every time they do something you reward them for.”

Taako, still making his long ‘ugh’, had writhed around in his seat until his head was on the floor. Now that he was in that position, five of the kittens tumbled over to bat at his face or climb on him. Two of them played with his flicking ears.

“Babies, you’re ruining the drama,” he muttered.

Angus couldn’t help but laugh. “They don’t listen, sir. Try distracting them.”

Taako grumbled under his breath, but activated his Ring of Pointing, wiggling a little point of light around until the entire litter of kittens started chasing it around. The drama of it was forgotten in watching kittens bumble and tumble after the Ring of Pointing’s little dot of light. It took him all of two minutes to start cooing things like, “Whoo-oo…” or, “Yee,” or, “Oops!”

Angus collected his winnings from Kravitz in the most discreet way possible, so as not to ruin Taako’s fun.


	8. Chapter 8

The spell, eventually derived from the initial forms of Ray of Frost, Conjure Water, and Summon Weather, could jet a rough handful of chilly water at an offending feline. It could be encoded into wards to keep the kittens off of surfaces that the family didn't want them on. As a double measure, Magnus quickly provided surfaces for the cats to oversee their humanoid companions. As a cantrip, it could be taught to just about anyone and it quickly became the favoured spell at Taako’s school. First, it did no real harm; second, it was highly unpleasant for all creatures, so students were motivated to work on their countermeasures; and third, it was a lot of fun to cast it at someone.

Duelling might be an unconventional method of teaching, but it certainly taught his students to think on their feet. It was all very well knowing some elaborate spell to make lights dance or cast a silent illusion or make a sound occur, but pressing that to an advantage? That could only be learned by practice. That was the real lesson behind the duels.

Classrooms were for theory. The halls were for practice.

Taako’s office, of course, was for paperwork.

Now it was also for kittens.

Nothing, yet, could convince Taako that these junior cats could stand to be without their adopted ‘mom’. So he took them with him wherever he went.

Since Taako had to go the extra mile with things, he had also installed an elaborate kitty cubby, litter tray, and several containers of food scattered in small corners in his office. There was also a fountain for their drinking needs.

Currently, most of them were sleeping in a sunbeam, but one was active and haunting Taako’s desk. Hunting Taako’s quill, because nothing makes a cat or kitten happier than a feather moving in seemingly random directions.

Taako was signing things: rules, regulations, reports, requests, revisions, and relentless piles of paper. It was normally something monotonous and dull. New paper, sign, pass on to the out-box.

Now it was new paper, sign, detach the kitten who just pounced on his hand, and pass on to the out-box. Since this one was the dark grey one, Taako had been thinking of a name like ‘Shadow’ or something of the ilk. Now hunter-y names were bubbling to the surface of his inner mental cauldron.

This particular pounce was more aggressive, sinking teeth and claws past the barrier of Taako’s skin. He howled briefly at the pain and picked the dark grey kitten up by the scruff of its neck.

Ren rushed in. “Everything okay?”

“Eh, I just got zapped,” he said, putting the kitten down amongst its littermates. “Li’l bandage will fix it up real quick.” As soon as he let the grey one go, it leaped up and attacked his fingers, which earned it a bop on its nose. “That’s enough outta you. Two blitz attacks are two too many, bucko.” Taako had a smile dawning on his face. “Blitz. Good name for a cat.”

Blitz didn’t react to his name any more than Weepo had. It just went tumbling after one of its sibs in a mood to fight the entire world.

Ren, bringing the medical kit, said, “I’ve been calling your little black one Socks, if you need any help with names.”

“Yeah, that tracks. Socks it is.” He tickled the relevant kitten’s head by way of a blessing as he let Ren tend his mildly injured hand. As he watched the kittens doing their kitteny things, he said, “I should probably leave them at home, huh? They don’t really need me anymore…”

Ren, who had been pestering him for weeks about how his kittens were old enough to look after themselves said, “No… What makes you say that?”

Taako gave her a look. “Pack up that horseshit. I know what you’re doing.”

Ren’s only answer was a smirk. “Now we both know where the horseshit is, the only bet is when you’re actually going to bring yourself to do it.”

Taako scoffed and said, “Honestly, Ren. I’ve made my decision. I could do it tomorrow. I could do it right now.”

Ren picked up his Stone of Farspeech, offering it to him. “No time like the present. Go and call your husband or your sister or _her_ husband. They can portal all these kitties straight home in no time.”

Taako’s eyes narrowed. Ren’s smirk grew. The kittens kept playing, sleeping, or grooming each other and themselves as was their wont. Taako either had to admit that he was too attached to all these cats or find a convenient excuse that would actually hold firm against a flood of truth.

“Nah, they’re all busy. Better to take ‘em home this evening and start fresh tomorrow.”

“Mm-hm,” said Ren, doubtingly. “Sure.”

“Or maybe the after the weekend. Since this week’s nearly over.”

“It’s Tuesday.”

“It’ll be Wednesday tomorrow,” argued Taako, “and by then, the weeks half over, so… Nearly over.”

“That only counts after Wednesday afternoon,” corrected Ren.

“Po-tay-to po-tah-to toe-may-toe toe-mah-toe.”

Ren taunted him with her chicken impersonation.

“Just for that, I’m not doing any damn thing. _You_ get to look after my babies all tomorrow. As a trial.” He did not say whether it was a trial of the cats’ ability to be without their ‘mother’, or if it was meant to be a trial on Ren’s patience.

He was willing enough for it to be both.

* * *

 

Wednesday passed without any kitten missing their adopted mom in the slightest. They spent the day in Ren’s office having a busy kitten day. Pouncing on Ren’s feet. Pouncing on Ren’s hands as she worked. Pouncing on her flicking ears. Pouncing on basically anything that moved, really. Including each other. If they were allowed outdoors, they would likely devastate the local populations of small game.

They were certainly death on any mice who dared show their whiskers in their vicinity.

Young students who came with a need for emotional centering were glad of the kittens to noodle around with while they settled themselves. Some of the young cats could get a sullen child giggling when nothing else worked to get them out of their funk.

Thursday dawned and Ren, anticipating upset, asked Magnus for one of his therapy dogs. A fluffy one that loved cuddles.

Taako arrived late, distracted, and looking worried. He looked close to tears. “I left my babies at home,” he said. “And you immediately betray me by bringing in one of Maggie’s _dogs.”_

“I didn’t want to give you a good excuse to keep the cats here. Therapy animals are beneficial to the -uh- social underdogs in the school pecking order.”

Taako gave her a blank look, and almost said something callous about underdogs biting back.

“That stop short of actual murder?” prompted Ren.

“Picky, picky, picky,” said Taako. “Yes. I’ll stop short of actual murder. I’ll stop at hints and tips on how to humiliate an enemy.”

“It’s good for the tuition fees,” Ren singsonged.

Taako mumbled something about illogical sex practices and tuition fees, but retreated inside his office to sign more paperwork and authorise more expense sheets. Also, apparently, to sniffle into his sleeve.

The first day of trusting the kids on their own was always rough. Ren used her Fantasy Intercom to order up some of Taako’s favourite comfort foods. He needed them.

Taako was going to be at his most marshmallow-y today. Any kids that needed counselling about missing their families or having emotional issues might also run the risk of being adopted. Not that there weren’t enough students here who had been taken in for ‘talent’ but were actually homeless, orphans, or both.

Ren may have to point out that he already had one son and seven kittens to look after. Having any more kids in his home would make him too busy to do anything else. Which was another reason for having the fluffy, cuddly dog on a rug in her office. Protection for Taako at his most emotionally vulnerable.

Ren checked up on Taako as the comfort food went in. He was teary-eyed and pretending he wasn’t upset about leaving his fur-babies at home. The school staff were well briefed to pretend everything was normal even when it plainly wasn’t, so Ren took the chance to be Taako’s sounding board while he drowned his sorrows in syrup-covered carbs.

She started once they were alone together with, “So who’s babysitting?”

A half-hearted glare. “Krav. I gave him a schedule and feeding times and stuff to do with them.” He took a breath. “I can do this. They… they don’t really need…”

Ren moved to comfort him. “It’s okay. It’s going to be okay. They have everything they need and, knowing you two, everything they could possibly want.”

“I still remember them as helpless newborns in a box. Without my help, they weren’t going to make it a day…”

Ren couldn’t help smiling at that. “Taako, that was less than eight months ago. Of course you remember them like that. Cats mature way faster than baby Elves. They mature way faster than a baby humanman.”

A deep breath. A sigh. “I know this. I did study stuff. Fantasy NASA, remember? It’s just-- I can’t-- I don’t-- I want-- In here…” he tapped his chest, over his heart. “They’re still helpless babies who need me.”

“They can still be your babies and I know fucking well you’ll spoil the shit out of them,” Ren soothed. “You just need some time to grow confidence in their ability to be okay.”

“They should be okay. I mean, Agnes has a half day and I gave my Ring of Pointing to Krav and there’s loads of chicken hearts and kibble and toys… They’re not alone out there. The house is warm and designed to have lots of good sunbeams and…”

“Kitty heaven on Faerun. They’ll be fine.”

“I’m gonna hug all of them when I get home.”

Ren teased, “Then you better get your work done so you can be home on time for them.”

She had never seen Taako work faster or harder in all her days administering his school. It was almost a pity that she wouldn’t be able to use that kind of motivation for the rest of his time as headmaster.


	9. Chapter 9

Three out of seven kittens had names, and they were nearly full-grown cats already. That had to change. You couldn’t go around for the rest of their fluffy lives calling them ‘you’ or ‘kitty’ or words that should not be repeated in polite company. Angus contemplated the names for the remaining four kittens as he petted the orange tabby who had always preferred his company when it was available.

Currently, he was on one of the larger fantasy bean bags, with the orange tabby on his chest. Some poet had once posed that the naming of cats was a difficult thing, and they weren’t wrong.

The orange tabby stirred from his curl and rubbed his head against Angus’ chin and neck. Marking Angus as his.

Well, since they’d more or less claimed each other, he might as well give him a name.

Angus gave the cat’s ears a scritch as Kravitz checked the clock against the rather long scroll Taako had written.

“Much though I love him,” said Kravitz, “he did  _ not _ have to write an itinerary down to the second. Half of this stuff, we could never make ‘em do…”

“Food, water, and love are what any cat could need,” said Angus. “Caleb and I are happy right here.”

The freshly-minted Caleb settled in for a good, loud purring session.

“I thought Taako was the only one who got to name his cats.”

“Oh, no, sir. Finding a name for a family feline is a job for everyone.”

“Well…” Kravitz smiled as he scooped up the other calico of the litter. Weepo was busy grooming Socks up on one of the many kitty walkways through the house. This calico had stripes of deep brown and ginger interspersed with white. “I want to call this lovely lady Neapolitan.”

Neapolitan smudged up to him and purred up a storm, kneading at him in her delight.

Kravitz chuckled as he encouraged her. “I love you too, you good, good girl…”

She certainly was the most affectionate cat of the lot. Anyone’s for a shoulder scritching or a long pat, or, for that matter, a lap to settle on and knead.

Angus was much happier, and so was Kravitz. Taako could have the honour of naming the last two unnamed cats. The mackerel tabby and the saddle-marked cat with the deep brown patches on its body.

He had probably had an emotionally rough day, being away from his ‘babies’ for the first time.

Auntie Lup entered the scene via one of her portals. “All clear?” she said. “He isn’t calling for minute by minute updates?”

“No, ma’am, he’s making a clean break.”

Lup had a wicked smirk. “I should steal one just to make you guys look bad, but I don’t want to make him ditch this whole thing as a bad idea.” She paused to give some love to Neapolitan, who instantly pretended that she was the most love-starved feline in the entire world. “So… what’cha cooking him for dinner? My dumb baby brother’s gonna be emotionally wrought by the time he gets home y’know.”

Kravitz, not allowed in the kitchen since the Burning Water Incident, had an easily readable face. It said,  _ Oh shit… _ in large, bright letters. “Uh. Any tips for the epicureally impaired?”

“That’s why I’m here,” said Lup. “Not only am I going to cook some of my baby brother’s best pick-’em-ups, I’m going to teach you how to do it on your own. Starting with a wholesome vegetable stew, then some pan-fried salmon on a bed of yams with hollandaise sauce for a main, and finish off with a rich chocolate cake for dessert. Let’s start with the veggies…”

It was slightly more complicated with cats getting in the way. Angus was tasked with giving love, attention, and treats to the cats who were sitting properly, and hissing at any cats who were getting too close to the prep zone; when he wasn’t given some basic preparation to do.

Kravitz took notes on  _ everything. _ He hadn’t really been alive for well over two thousand years, so cooking had been one of those skills that had fallen into disuse within the first century and complete obliteration after the second. Lup had to slow down a few times and pilot Kravitz’s hands a few more.

Angus was surprised how well it all came together. Lup knew everything about perfectly timing a bunch of dishes to be ready at roughly the same time because she went through the same bullshit that Taako did. Cooking, as Taako frequently said, was the one skill he had that was acceptable everywhere. It was the one skill that the twins shared, though Lup was more of a frycook than Taako because patience had never been her forte. At least, it hadn’t been her forte before she got trapped in the Umbrastaff.

Because she was married to Barry, she also had hints and tips like leaving fantasy post-its on the timer with reminder instructions. Just in case either of them wanted to wander off for some activity that was way more interesting than watching a cake rise or a slice of salmon turn from reddish to pinkish.

Angus had a pretty good handle on the hollandaise sauce, keeping it moving until it started to thicken and taking it immediately off the heat. Lup helped them plate it all up and conceal their hard work under preservation covers until Taako made it home.

The cats knew he was coming before anyone else heard his approach. Lining up at the window and, once Taako got past the mud room, pretending that they hadn’t had a crumb to eat or an atom of affection since they’d seen him last.

“Welcome home, sir,” said Angus, wrapping his arms around Taako in the biggest hug he could manage.

“Welcome home, Dove,” said Kravitz, likewise wrapping Taako up in a hug, but he added some smooches to his greeting.

Lup gave him a passing noogie and a, “You’re welcome,” in lieu of a greeting.

Taako laughed, his eyes a little moist. “Nobody missed me, did they?” He wasn’t asking about his husband or his semi-adopted son. He was asking about the cats.

“They pretty much hung out and chilled all day long,” said Kravitz. “But look, they’re all glad to see you again.”

A chorus of meows gave testament to that.

“We know you had a rough day, emotionally speaking, sir,” said Angus. “So Lup helped us out with a knock-out feel-better dinner.”

“Aaaww,” Taako touched his eyes again. “I’m not crying. I’m not crying…”

“Of course not,” said Kravitz. “You’re just leaking liquid joy.”

* * *

 

A warm, cosy, homey evening of snuggling on the couch after possibly a little too much comfort food was just what the doctor ordered. He had his cats and his immediate family close by, something mindless and funny on the fantasy TV, and all the cats surrounding him. Caleb was settled on Angus’ lap, Neopolitan was settled on Kravitz. The currently unnamed mackerel tabby was seated comfortably on Taako and there was currently no need for anyone to move.

Taako, sort-of leaning against Kravitz, was absently petting the tabby on his lap and contemplating nothing much at all.

Angus was busy falling asleep, propped vaguely up against Taako and blinking into short spates of unconsciousness.

While the show was going through its ‘last week on…’ segment, Taako said, “I got two fancy lads.” He spared a brief pat to Angus’ head, briefly returning the boy to nominal waking status. “It’s just that one’s a cat.”

“Purr, purr, meow, sir,” yawned Angus.

Taako smiled. “I’m talking about the other one.” He brushed Angus’ shoulders before he got back to petting the cat. “Specklemont,” he said, as the cat sank his claws into Taako’s leg. “Lord Specklemont Gripthigh. Esquire.”

The cat reacted to his new name by embarking on a thorough and frenetic wash session, which included taking one of Taako’s hands hostage for a good, solid grooming.

“Six outta seven,” Angus sighed. “There’s just the one with the brown patches to go.”

“Who? That asshole?” Taako indicated the cat, perched on the upper shelf walkway, where it contemplated the little beanbag things they put up there so he’d have something to knock off an edge. “I’ve been calling that one ‘Asshole’ for at least a couple of months. Keep up, Agnes.”

Asshole yawned, stretched, and knocked a beanbag thing off the walkway.

“I saved your life, asshole,” Taako snarked.

Asshole curled up, leg in the air, and gave his namesake a good going over.

“Laugh it up. You’re all getting neutered next week,” Taako grumbled.

“Need emotional support?” Offered Barry from his perch on the floor. He had Socks and Lup had Blitz.

“It’s an overnight and a lot of head cones. I think we’ll be fine for the interim.”

“Just remember our frequency if you want a shoulder to cry on, Koko,” said Lup.

Taako’s only response was a raspberry as the next episode began.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short one, I'm sorry. I ran out of story to tell.

Four months after the cats were neutered, things more or less settled down. Kravitz and Taako both learned how to weave their mornings around spoiled rotten cats who believed that it was criminal how much sleep time their people needed, and couldn’t you see that they were  _ wasting away? _ Oh! The deprivation.

Taako spent at least a weekend per month making gourmet kitty kibble for his fussy felines and Kravitz loved helping out. He would never say a word about how deep Taako loved the cats because he thought it was utterly adorkable. Kravitz wouldn’t change a thing.

Angus, also occasional helper with the kitty treats, came back from running around outside with an envelope. “It’s from Captain Davenport, sir. This isn’t his usual postcard.”

“Maybe it’s a late birthday or an early Candlenights card with cash in it,” speculated Taako, washing and drying his hands and moving Asshole away from the mixing bowl. All the way up to a high cubby where it would take him some effort to get back down from. Taako turned off the fantasy mixer and snapped on the cover before washing and drying his hands again.

He opened the letter and his happy mein faded. “Oh shit.”

“Trouble?” guessed Angus.

“Yeah. Little bit. Babe, mind if I have a boys’ weekend, next week? Shouldn’t be too much trouble to watch the cats and the kid for me.”

“I have camp, remember?” said Angus.

“Even easier,” breezed Taako. “I’ll put it in my G-cal so nobody forgets.”

The week passed as normal, and Taako insisted on dressing up for his adventure and packing ‘a few things’.

“Bye, babe,” he said as he left uncharacteristically early in the morning. “I’m riding Garyl on the way there, so don’t worry about the horses.”

“I’ll be fine, Taako.” Kravitz smooched him back. All he had planned was a lazy weekend and binge-watching some shows. That was how it worked out for a good portion of it too. He was halfway through season two of  _ Fantasy Queer Eye _ when the summons came from the Raven Queen.

_ Oh shit. I need a cat-sitter. _

* * *

 

Susan opened the door while  _ Jason _ was in a tantrum about eating vegetables. Standing on the other side was none other than the spectre of Death itself. The Grim Reaper. Last aid to the dying, the ultimate end.

“Susan ‘Ackniid,” he said.

“Please, I’ll do anything,” she wailed automatically. Behind her  _ Jason _ gave up screaming about vegetables and just began screaming in general.

“Good. You are to go next door an’ mind our cats while I’m off at work. Here’s me frequency an’ the front door key. If any ‘arm comes to a single one, I will know. Got it?”

“Yessir… Thankyou sir.” She clutched the paper and key as if they were sacred relics. Then, with rare quick thinking, she whirled on her trashbag son and said, “He could come for  _ you _ if you don’t eat your brussels sprouts.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to everyone for the love, the comments, the occasional screaming... :D I had fun writing this story and it gives me life that you enjoyed reading it. I'm still working on the next tale for y'all, in between writing minifics according to my dear readers' whims, over at _Tumbl Into TAZ_.
> 
> If you want to see what I'm doing with what passes for a life, do cruise over to internutter.org which is full of that, as well as links to all the other pies I have my fingers in. You may even wish for details on how to support this artist in having cool, shiny things with which to decorate my nest. That site has you covered.
> 
> May your dice roll nat 20's when you need them the most.


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